My teen life isn’t a happy memory for me. I summoned my life full of miseries, heartaches, full of loneliness. I don’t even wanted to keep on recallin my past life, but when occasion call, I’m force to.
I had never found my true love I can call. I’d prayed then to meet someone to love me and be my husband. While studying telegraphy in a vocational school, there was a guy who had keep on eyeing on me. I heard he feels something for me. But this man is so coward, so timid and all he do is stare at me. He had never tried to approach or talk to me, or even find a friend to act as bridge between us.
True to what I kept on wishing, he hails from a city I wanted, a good education as he’s taking up a course in computer. But my great problem, he just remained as seems stalker to me. He just kept on following me, no words or even a bit of desire to talk or be near to me be-friend me, nothing.
When I went in Manila to study, I thought all about his shadow will be gone. A big mistake, for his parents had made a business here too. A junk shop operated by the family. In the university where I enrolled, he also enrolled. Every time he passes by my room, he just took a gloomy look at me, silently following at my back a bit further. The more I felt disgusted.
Do I have to make the first step for him to be able to talk to me? No way. How can I lean on a man with an attitude like it? Until I had my first child, still that manner I saw in him.
It had took a year seeing him not anymore since we move back in the province.
Handling the responsibility of being a mother and father to my son is a great task and challenge to me. I had faced it all alone, with God’s help, I able to provide them good education and both of them have stable and good job now.
When I reached age of sixty plus or as senior citizen years, I keep on pounding my breast. Why in this age I still felt this kind of feeling? Feeling in love to a man so young at my age, twenty years gap, shameful! But what can I do? I just had felt it later as days goes on.
When I first met him, there’s no any feeling I felt then. But the kindness he had shown in me, the character of my dream man to be, I had find it all in him. In height, we’re just same; a professional man and so talented, wealthy man, so kind and has good and refined character, handsome.
I felt that he has some kind of feeling in me too, when he put his arms on my shoulder, a strange feeling I can’t ignore, even him. Maybe, he’s just trying to kept it silently because of our age gap.
I prayed so hard to God that if he is the man for me, He will make a way to make it come true between us. I even asked signs if he is still much single, no attachment to any woman, he would hug and kiss me on my check. That was my quest to God the moment will see again. December 18 2014 is the most memorable day which I would treasure in my heart. What I had prayed was answered clearly, for not only once he had kissed and hug me but thrice. I was so thrilled and felt that heavenly feeling as other woman says.
But the problem is, will I see him again? I cried a lot for that great discouragement. Do I have to hope still? Or just accept the reality that what am dreaming of is so impossible to happen because of our large age gap? Am I dreaming so high though I know it’s impossible to happen?
I just silently crying alone and hard, so hurt to accept the reality. I blame this heart of mine for falling in love at wrong time, but not to right man. For surely I believe and I know deep in my heart, he is my one and only man I ever loved.
To keep myself free from keep on thinking of him, I kept myself busy of writing blogs, poem’s passages and writing songs. I have to accept my destiny, maybe I was born just to be alone in life and accept it.
Maybe, time will heal it. I don’t want to keep on crying anymore, am so tired of endless pain since my childhood.